I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
