matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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