Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
