The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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