just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
