She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Found the puke drawer
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
