Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I just put wine in my tea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
