Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
