dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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