these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
