Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
