she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
