i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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