Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
nutella sex= disaster
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
