Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
