I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
