and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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