there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
