i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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