Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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