can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
