Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
FUCK WHALES
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
