omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
