Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
