he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
