8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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