I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
