I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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