and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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