I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
