I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
