I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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