You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
