I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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