I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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