yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
