I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
