thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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