we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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