All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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