I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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