I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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