You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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