I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
