I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
