I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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