This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
