Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
