Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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