i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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