I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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