for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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