There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
